Unsettled

Today was a mixed bag of experiences. Although I usually take things in stride and treat every instance as a learning opportunity, I couldn’t help but feel unsettled. And it’s not because I’m in a different country. It is not so much the transitory feeling of moving from one place to another. It is more akin to the jitter that comes from a bundle of nervous and anxious energy. A little bit out of sorts if you ask me and obviously not within my comfort zone.

It feels like a transition period, a time of much needed growth and once again hyperlearning. After going through a bout of this over a year ago I thought I would be in a much better state facing another round. I guess an inner grappling is needed so we remember what we most need to learn and also what needs to be unlearned. There is no other way even if we hope for one.

So what is it like this time? Well there is that same feeling of self doubt on whether I am capable to do all that I am taking on. Then it’s mixed with the excitement and empowerment of charting one’s path. And then swirled with the burden of making all the pieces work together not just for me but for the others who I serve and have commissioned to join me in this journey. I have caught myself second guessing my decisions and actions more frequently over the past weeks. Not fun but I take it as necessary.

When it gets a little bit too much I remind myself of the value of being present. I prayed hard one night to get me through this sense of being unhinged and the answer I got is to just go back to presence, to notice the stirrings in and around me, to listen closely. It is not the easiest thing to do but it is just the antidote that I needed. I go back to the breath, to what is here and now remembering that ultimately that is all I really have.

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