Pulse of bright art lights

Beat of my tentative heart

Future is bright, right?

As entrepreneurs and individuals who want to bring value to the world we often think about impact in terms of scale and magnitude. We share our stories with the hope that a lot of people would be affected and inspired by it. But sometimes it is okay to just affect that one person, knowing fully that what you shared resonates with her to the point of her committing to make a difference or change in the work that she does. This is what happened to me today when I was invited to speak in front of female CEOs and top leaders at the Global Summit of the Dentsu Aegis Network. I spoke about my entrepreneur journey as a woman as well as what my participation in their Female Foundry program has opened up for me. I shared candidly and wholeheartedly with the intention of inspiring these leaders to start their own Female Foundry programs in their respective countries. But as I talked to them individually it dawned on me that the impact doesn’t always have to be huge and expansive. Sometimes one little heart that burns more brightly and strongly is enough.Today it was a lady from China who shared with me tearfully about how she is struggling to find herself as she devotes her time to husband, kids and business. She welled up when she started to talk about her desire to also take care of herself and think about what it was she really wanted to do while making sure that she provided for all the needs of her family. She just needed to talk about it and be reminded that it’s okay to think about her wellbeing and to take care of her needs too. Her story made this whole trip worthwhile and I fervently told her that the lines of conversation would always be open so she may just holler and reach out.Amidst all these women empowerment programs what is essential is really just a safe space to talk. Also equally important is an authentic desire to listen to what each one has to say without any agenda to fix nor to critique. Simply being there to listen is a gift we can give. Sometimes that is all that’s needed. And so today I spoke but I made it a point to also deeply and wholeheartedly listen to every single person who went up to me to share.

Just what I needed

Iced amber balm for worries

Heals me for the night.

Today was a mixed bag of experiences. Although I usually take things in stride and treat every instance as a learning opportunity, I couldn’t help but feel unsettled. And it’s not because I’m in a different country. It is not so much the transitory feeling of moving from one place to another. It is more akin to the jitter that comes from a bundle of nervous and anxious energy. A little bit out of sorts if you ask me and obviously not within my comfort zone.

It feels like a transition period, a time of much needed growth and once again hyperlearning. After going through a bout of this over a year ago I thought I would be in a much better state facing another round. I guess an inner grappling is needed so we remember what we most need to learn and also what needs to be unlearned. There is no other way even if we hope for one.

So what is it like this time? Well there is that same feeling of self doubt on whether I am capable to do all that I am taking on. Then it’s mixed with the excitement and empowerment of charting one’s path. And then swirled with the burden of making all the pieces work together not just for me but for the others who I serve and have commissioned to join me in this journey. I have caught myself second guessing my decisions and actions more frequently over the past weeks. Not fun but I take it as necessary.

When it gets a little bit too much I remind myself of the value of being present. I prayed hard one night to get me through this sense of being unhinged and the answer I got is to just go back to presence, to notice the stirrings in and around me, to listen closely. It is not the easiest thing to do but it is just the antidote that I needed. I go back to the breath, to what is here and now remembering that ultimately that is all I really have.

Work takes up a huge chunk of our lives. How we are at work, how our day flows and how we deal with work stuff affects the other aspects of our lives, whether we like it or not. Especially if compartmentalisation is not one’s strongest suit and if integration is a theme practiced instead, this is a reality we have to deal with. But work is also such a wonderful initiative to devote our energy on that simply “dealing with it” lacks the respect it deserves. I like how it was framed by Seth Godin as a platform for our truest selves. If seen from this perspective, then it is just right that it flows into the other parts of our lives so it can imbue each one with a sense of our fullest selves. Over the past few years, work has been a genuine self expression for me. But it has been more palpable lately as manifested by the roller coaster emotions I’ve allowed myself to go through. I’ve never been this engaged, this affected, this vulnerable and also this happy. I am at my happiest despite a more complex interweaving of life and work. Thoughts about the business perpetually hum in the background and I’ve come to terms that it is an unshakeable part of my personal make up.I guess this is the reason why I strive to find meaning in the work that I do now. If it cascades into the rest of my life then it has to be more than about making money or getting recognised. It has to have lasting value not just for me but for my employees, for our clients, for our stakeholders and also the community. That is why I struggle whenever I feel that I am forced to do an endeavour for reasons that are simply for short term gain. I can do it if push comes to shove but I’d rather find a way to fit it into the compass that guides my action. Renewed energy for even the most mundane of tasks is in abundance when direction is clear and beyond one’s self. But it is not easy especially when you are desperate, with the struggle of limited runway and challenging cash flows. You are reminded again and again that entrepreneurship is not for the faint hearted. But plodding on and staying the course with intentionality will lead us closer to our truest selves, through the work and vocation that we choose to pursue with all our being. So let us carry on and just keep working.

Late last year I caught the blockchain bug. It was the topic that everyone was talking about when I attended events in Singapore and Perth. Then my closest circle of friends had nothing else to talk about but this. Our holiday break was devoted to conversations around this subject. So I started immersing myself and learning as much as I can about the intersection of blockchain and business. I was fascinated by the space and how nascent it is. It awakened in me an energy that beckoned participation. What I like about it is that there are no clear experts and everyone is just learning as they go along. I’ve always been one to rely on institutions bestowing expert status, like courses giving certification or organisations accrediting individuals as thought leaders. I’ve always thought that unless you had these credentials awarded by central bodies you are not legit. Hence I’ve developed an impostor syndrome not just in business but also in athletics because I feel that I don’t know enough nor did I have extensive study to be a real expert. But with blockchain, there is no single certifying body, things are still in flux and everyone is hyperlearning. I am embracing this, believing wholeheartedly that I can be part of something game changing. I also noticed that there are very few women in this industry. This has been echoed in the women blockchain groups and discussions that I’ve been joining. Because of this I have reached out to women in other countries who are building communities to support females as they navigate this technology. What has worked for them is really ongoing conversations and dialogue, exchange of learnings and insights as well as struggles and challenges. What is wonderful is that women are willing to help other women get up to speed and make introductions to others who may help with a project or with a topic. I realised women need a safe space to get involved. I noticed this in various homogenous blockchain groups. Apart from the fact that the make up is less than 10% women, conversations are mostly led by men. I pondered on this and did a personal reflection- “I know some stuff but how come I don’t engage and initiate discussions?” My theory is that I continue to feel that I don’t know enough and think that these men have more experience and might be smarter than I am. I was afraid to look bad and stupid. It wasn’t until I was told by men closest to me that my insights are valuable that I accepted that maybe I do have something to share. And maybe too there are other women like me who are excited to learn and share but just feeling overwhelmed. So I’m putting out there a new passion project- Women in Blockchain PH. I want to keep it simple and informal to get it off the ground. Conversations over brunch, with just less than 10 people and we talk about a specific blockchain topic. We can also bring someone who is doing a specific project or research around the topic for face to face interaction or via telecon if they are abroad. Then we discuss and continue the discussions online via the Women in Blockchain Slack channel. I’d love for this community to grow and thrive in the long term as we see breakthroughs in blockchain but for now I just want to get the ball rolling. So let’s chat over blockchain and brunch!

I know I perform best when I am at a relaxed state but I tend to forget this when I’m in the thick of things. I tense up and struggle. This has manifested in hasty decisions made, haphazard reactions and sometimes wasteful shortcuts. But over time I have tried to take pause and think things through and not just ride the wave of pressure.

But I need to be reminded of this again and again. So today my spinning class was the reminder. I already know that the last twenty minutes of the session would be tough and as I saw the clock ticking closer to that, I felt my fingers gripping the handlebars. Then I remembered that it would be a waste of energy to do so. As soon as I relaxed and just focused on keeping the core tight and breathing deliberately the challenging climbs seemed more manageable. It wasn’t easier but dealing with it with a bit more flow made a whole world of difference.

The conscious reminder to deal with struggles not just with the default fight or flight tendency is part of everyday mindfulness. It is easy to switch to default mode and feel helpless, without any choice. But the simple act of stopping to notice and assess then do otherwise is a much more intentional state that leaves us feeling less sapped and out of sorts. I’d love to loosen the grip a bit more, adding opportunities of grace instead.

I’ve been listening to Krista Tippett’s On Being podcast for over a year now. I was drawn to it because it touched on topics that I’ve always been fascinated with like the intersection of passion and purpose, being instead of just doing, living an introspective life, among other things. So when they announced that they will be having their first conference, The Gathering, I immediately signed up to be informed once registration opened. I got more excited when I saw that part of the roster of speakers included people like Seth Godin and Maria Popova. The registration questions were not the usual and kept with the show’s theme of how one can contribute to civil conversations and what one’s current spiritual context is. There were 5000 applicants and only 400 were chosen and a few of us were provided with scholarship to attend. I just had to get myself to the venue.

The Gathering was held at the beautiful and brand new 1440 Multiversity Campus. Set on 72 acres amidst the redwood forests of Scotts Valley, it was the perfect location for this event, providing places to walk, sit, pause, reflect and commune. Plus they have the most attentive staff and the most nourishing food. This place with the soul was a fitting setting for conversations for the soul.

I leave The Gathering with a collection of stories, heart tugs, insights and reminders and I wanted to share to help me distill these further and also to just put these out there. Over the next few weeks, I hope to write a bit more about these reflections since I’m still reeling from the onslaught of thoughts and interactions.

Be still, get kinder.

Meditating with Sylvia Boornstein was one of the most nourishing experiences I’ve ever had. She speaks of how creating spaces for stillness allows us to be kinder. The time we take to be still is the first expression of kindness, to ourselves. As we go out to the world after this practice, we notice people and how they are. Because of this we see someone just like us, needing gentleness and we can’t help to respond in the same way we did with ourselves- with kindness.

Notice, listen deeply.

We were taught that when we listen we do so non verbally as well. We lean forward, utter affirmative sounds, nod our heads and make sure that we have an open body language that encourages a speaker to go on. But real deep listening is about staying still, not showing any affirmations and just letting everything about the person and what he is saying speak to us. We create a space for the speaker to let his whole being express and just be, then we notice intently from our own listening space.

Be gentle with yourself and with others.

Sometimes we are hardest on ourselves when the best thing we can do is treat one’s self like we would a closest friend or even a child. Self-care and compassion is necessary so we can care for the rest of the world. We don’t know what each one is also struggling with but we do know that just like us we need a bit more gentleness, a little reassurance that it’s gonna be okay and that you are okay.

Say yes, and.

I got to join an improv class and the same lesson as before resonated- saying yes, and. It speaks of three things- listening intently to what is given, affirming it and adding something to it. It is building on what is offered, a beautiful co-creating without overly fixating on how it will turn out. It is investing in the moment, in the person and in yourself as you give your own gift.

Practice impatient persistence.

Seth Godin spoke of being impatient with the status quo and persisting till we get enrolment to our cause. We tend to lose heart when we see roadblocks even if we know that what we are fighting for is good and just. Persistence to keep at it with the belief that we can chip at it everyday and eventually make a dent is what the world needs for real change to take shape. Energy comes from collectively trying.

Infuse poetry in your everyday.

I’ve never been a poem kind of person but witnessing the readings throughout the gathering has tugged at my heartstrings so much that I’d like to make it a daily dose. Words beautifully or even brokenly put together to speak of one’s yearnings is so worth pondering on, and maybe eventually creating. I’d like to try.

Show up even if others cringe and cower.

On the last night, a guy goes up to the microphone and volunteers to play a song he composed for the occasion. I immediately cringed and thought “Oh my, what is this guy trying to do. This should be good, otherwise what an embarrassing situation.” I caught myself as this crossed my mind and I realised that I have yet to come to terms with showing up and coming forward. So when I met him the next day I told him exactly this and I as I did I realised that if we put work out there and care so much about how it is received then it remains to be about us and our ego. But if we give the gift of ourselves and the work that we do without any fixation on the outcome, that we are fully generous with our giving, then people will learn from this genuine act of giving.

As I head back home, I carry these truths and hope that I continue to bear witness to myself, to others and to the world as I notice fully and intentionally everyday.

Stop and notice

Not just look

For anything in passing

Skimming over details

That clarify

The meaning of sitting

Still in silence

Watching closely

Filling up with observations

Detailing things

Carefully noticing and

Fervently hoping that

Others may also stop

And pay attention.

40 days of thanks

For life everyday

Ordinary breathing and going

To places, going on

A next step, then another one

Moving towards something

That makes the heart beat

Fast but steady and strong

Solid stance, staying the course

That may take turns

Leading to a true north

Despite the detours

Making things more interesting

For someone grateful

Everyday.