I struggle with losing control. I am quite mindful of this and I’ve been trying to understand its root cause. I realized that it springs from a deep fear that’s been there since childhood. I am afraid of losing face, “ayokong napapahiya”. I heard this constantly growing up, “wag ganyan, nakakahiya.” Shame is something that I try as much as I can to mask or not go through. I’d rather be the calm, collected, centered person that I have shaped myself to be. I’ve learned to be proud and stubborn instead, not asking much from others and trying as best I can to figure things out based on how I know best.
But lately this fear has been more glaring, harder to ignore or to simply brush aside. I realized that I’ve been putting a lid on what I can do because of this fear. I say yes only if I know I have a sense of control and certainty. I get defensive when asked to commit to more than this. I see this at work, training and life in general. I am afraid to aim for my moonshots. It’s a bit frustrating since I am surrounded by people who are there to guide and support me in this entrepreneurial journey. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. I hope they won’t get tired doing that.
I’d like to let go of this, slowly and then entirely. I’ve started by replacing nervousness with excitement whenever I have to do something that involves putting myself out there. I also am trying to be more present as a full person whenever I meet people so I bring much value to the table. I want to try to be more keen to those times when I’d rather aim for something I can most likely deliver instead of aiming boldly. Whenever I feel small and uncertain I said I’d repeat this line- “Hey it’s just play. Just play bigger.” When I don’t take myself too seriously and don’t put too much unnecessary fixation on the result, I perform much better. If I think that the consequences of whatever it is that I am doing is huge, I cower up. It’s best to focus on the process and just show up everyday. So I’d like to treat it as play and nudge myself to just play bigger.
I have yet to practice this but at least I have a mantra to tell myself. These little things help in the practice of getting to a place where we can grow into the best versions of ourselves, fearlessly.