I keep quiet when I’m angry. I rarely get upset but when I do I stay silent. I read up about it recently and this stance was labeled as “avoidant attachment”. It is a way of dealing with conflict by stonewalling. I react this way maybe because of my experience growing up. I grew up around people who were quick to anger and immediately blurted hurtful words without much thought. I said this is not what I wanted but I took it to the extreme by not saying anything for fear that I may regret what I would say.
I have gotten better at managing my temper and generally have a very steady demeanor. Internally, I seem to have managed well too since my outward disposition mirrors my inner state. At least most of the time. I think this steadiness is an integral part of my personality. So the few times that I exhibit otherwise surprises me too.
This morning I slammed the door and walked out. The moment I did I immediately felt unhinged. I allowed myself to be upset this way and for that I was not sure if I should be disappointed or accepting. Disappointed because I should’ve known better than to act that way because it clearly was no one’s fault. Accepting because I should be okay expressing how I truly felt within. Either way, it was a good opportunity to exercise self awareness and reflection. I apologized for acting irrationally and promised that I would just count to ten the next time this happens. I choose to err on the side of steadfast and calm. Perhaps this truly is my nature.