Being A Soldier

I’m on my sixth week of training for the Boston Marathon. It’s the half way point and so far it’s been a mixed bag. Some days are good, others not as much. Today was one of those days. For some reason I could not get out of my head and felt that the entire session was an endless grind.  It didn’t help that my tummy was queasy and my hip flexor is super tight. The one hour interval training seemed longer than it actually was. I just kept at it because I’m a soldier that way. 

I could not help but notice that these are the same sensations I’ve been feeling at work. Most days are better than others and I have not been happier learning and building. But some days are just a drag. These are the days when I second guess myself, questioning whether I am capable of doing what I said I would, whether I can actually figure this shit out. My tummy goes into a knot, my mind swirls with worry and the work day just feels unusually long. These are the days that I am more busy than productive, me trying to do the little things because I’m fucking scared about the big chunks that I need to work on. But I realize that just like in running, these major things also start with a step and get done with every foot in front of each other. So I just keep at it because I’m a soldier that way. 

Our self esteem and our psyche are ultimately no one’s problem but our own.  Everyone else is trying to sort themselves out to care about your own issues. And part of being a soldier is having the artillery to arm ourselves during these times of self doubt. Our mental tool kit is our responsibility and if we would like to help others fill up their own, we can only do so by showing them and showing up everyday. Because we are soldiers that way. 

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