In the shared quiet, an invitation arises like a white dove lifting from
a limb and taking flight.
Come and live in truth.
Take your place in the flow of grace.
Draw aside the veil you thought would always separate your heart from love.
All you ever longed for is before you in this moment if you dare draw in a breath and whisper “Yes.”
Danna Faulds
Today while on a walk I thought about what drives me. Given my personality and disposition, I would rather just work on the sidelines, happy and content doing something I know how to do. I could’ve stayed in a job that was comfortable and provided more than I needed. If it were just up to me I’d like to stay quiet and just be with the people closest to me and those can be counted on one hand. I am not one who revels in the limelight and being thrust front and center. The hustle honestly takes so much out of me. I could do all these but I choose to do otherwise.
I do so because of an inner drive that constantly calls upon me. I don’t really know from where it comes from all I know is that it’s always been there beckoning for me to strive to be more. As I young girl I’ve always felt that there was more to what I had and that I could be so much more. It must have been poverty that did this to me or maybe I was just ambitious. But after all these years the drive has not waned, it has just gotten stronger and much clearer. Perhaps it is part of my make up, of who I am. It is the drive that prompts me to seek meaning in all that I do, the desire to seek answers to the questions and yearnings that always stir my soul. I welcome it as I’ve always had but this time I feel that I am embracing it more wholeheartedly. I guess this is because I’ve also come to terms with myself, my flaws, tendencies and blindspots a bit more. I feel that I have value to offer and that thought alone has helped me be enough, reassuring me that I’ll be fine amidst all that may come.
I was listening to Gretchen Rubin talk about the four tendencies of people- upholder, questioner, obliger and rebel. She contends that we are born with a specific one and just influenced by our other traits and our circumstances. She defines these as follows:
Upholder- meets both external and internal expectations
Questioner- resists outer expectations meets inner expectations
Obliger- meets external expectations resists inner expectations
Rebel- resists expectations altogether
It is important to know what your tendency is so you can be mindful of both it’s strengths and weaknesses. Most of the time its strength is also its weakness. Listening to the conversation I realised that I am an upholder even without taking the quiz. One key indicator of this tendency is rigidity when it comes to meeting expectations, both of the self and of others. For me this manifests as keeping to a set program sometimes even if it does not make sense anymore. I’ve just been more aware of this over the past years and have tried to manage by constantly asking why I need to carry on with it.
Knowing what people’s tendencies are also helps in dealing with them. I saw this in action a couple of nights ago as I witnessed my daughter’s ultra upholder meltdown. She is an extreme version of me and her diligence and conscientiousness are truly exemplary. She suddenly bawled after realising that she could not finish a book she committed to reading that night. I had to reassure her that she can always change the book into something shorter so she can finish the book task for the day. She too didn’t have to take the quiz to prove that she was a true blue upholder.
It may seem limiting to be defined to have this tendency but this is just a small part of one’s personality. It still encompasses a whole spectrum within the tendency, possibly even overlapping with the others and melds with our other characteristics as well as our context. What is clear is the need to be constantly mindful of how we are and how we interact with the world.
There’s so much excitement happening around technology now. From AI to blockchain to cryptocurrencies. Everyone’s abuzz trying to see how they can ride these waves hard. There is FOMO if you get left behind since these major shifts only happen once in a lifetime. It is easy to be caught in the mad rush especially if you desire being at the heart of this change. Hence the vigilance to know what is most important and true should be much stronger. We should not lose our humanity amidst the tumble.
More than ever, we should constantly ask ourselves what it is to be human and how we can strengthen our connectedness with and compassion for each other. The default is to succumb to what is happening, losing control and agency of what we truly hold dear. Sometimes we don’t even stop to ask what is of utmost importance to us and just plod on day after day on this rat race. Taking a pause to ponder might be the best gift we could give to ourselves so we can take stock of our lives, reset and deliberately choose to live with wholeness and intention.
My upcoming trip is a timely pause from the everyday. I know that I am at the cusp of something and I want to ride this momentum and shape the next decades of my life. But I also know that I need to be reminded of what is most vital. The first half is about connections and curiosity conversations. It will be about seeking out thought leaders and like-minded individuals who my best friend and I can learn from. The second part is an On Gathering retreat to talk about poetry, philosophy and discourse about what makes us human. It is a much needed turning point to a next phase and I look forward to the grappling and growing that is upcoming.
This week I had to go to the embassy to renew my US visa. I forgot that electronics of any kind cannot be brought in. I just took an Uber and didn’t have a car where I could leave all my valuables behind. My worry may have been obvious because I was approached by a woman who offered to keep all my belongings. She said I may store these with her street vendor friend for a fee. I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it. I had to pay to entrust a stranger with all that’s important to me.
Sensing my slight hesitation, and perhaps they’ve seen this reaction numerous times, the women told me that they’ve been doing this for the past 25 years. They even gave me a claim stub with a photo of the street vendor lady so I have proof that I left my stuff with this particular lady. They tried to gain my trust in a span of two minutes. So I gave them all my belongings, bringing only my documents. Laughing while securing everything, I jokingly told them that my life’s work was in that bag.
As I quietly waited for my application to be processed, I couldn’t help but reflect on how easy it was for me to trust others, sometimes easier than I fully trusted myself. I was told just this week that I still continue to stand in the way of my own success. I have not fully trusted myself to be truly successful and am the very person holding myself back. It is the old models of doing things, biases that no longer work for me and insecurities that need reckoning with. Yoga teachers have told me that I may have trust issues, not realising that the primary issue was one of self-trust.
Once again I was reminded that I remain to be a work in progress. There are lots to do on this project. This thought leaves me energised and not dampened because I know that I will be strengthened and enriched by all that I have yet to learn. I like being a newbie because I know that there is no other path but growth. I will continue to trust this process even as I work on fully trusting myself.
I chanced upon this practice from a book I’m reading, A Curious Mind by Brian Grazer. He speaks of programmatically including conversations with people about topics you are curious about or you could also be simply curious about the people themselves. I’ve had a lot of these types of interactions in the past but I have not been as deliberate about it. This year I’d like to do so.
So what are the topics I’m currently curious about?
This list is not exhaustive and it looks like some topics are more specific than others. It will be a growing and evolving line-up as I listen closely to what I am curious about. And one curiosity leads to another which make things more interesting.
Challenging myself to initiate these conversations not just helps in my lifelong learning but also takes me outside my comfort zone. It may seem like I have an easy time during social conversations but it actually takes so much out of me. But I learned that if I ask more about the other person and listen intently I have an easier time. So I think I’ll do more of this but also offer a bit more of myself during these interactions, having faith that I too have value to bring to the table. This belief is important and it is the energy that attracts interesting people and opportunities. So here’s to a year of curiosity conversations.
I like to continue this theme for the year. It speaks of a cycle of hard work and ease that taps into one’s natural rhythm. It’s been this way for me for the past few years and just like everything that comes my way, it wasn’t always carefully planned. Organised chaos is how it’s has been, deliberate about some aspects and free flowing for the rest. The rigor supports the spontaneity and even allows it to flourish further.
I’m bracing myself for the hustle and I know it will be a challenging year. Unlike before where the thought would make me cringe with sheer anxiety, the notion excites and energises me. Maybe because my mind and heart are in the right place. I know that I am where I ought to be, doing what I should be doing, at this exact moment. My headspace isn’t filled with what-ifs but more of what now and what is. This makes a whole world of difference to my psyche.
To support this, flow is what I aspire to work on so I can perform at my best every single day and not just when I feel like it. This goes for each of the roles that I play. Always fully bringing my energy and rhythm in all that I do. For me it is best achieved when I am not required to choose between one or the other but can just bring both or flow freely from one to the other. Nothing forced, just rhythmically moving forward, progressing with each step.
I originally wanted to make the title of this post “2018 Experiments” then I realised that most of the things I want to do for this coming year are iterations of existing practice. I like it this way. I’ve always been a proponent of tiny tweaks over grand shifts and it has worked in terms of giving me lasting, sustained benefits. Even as I go for the big goals, it still is about the process of getting there and less about being overly fixated with the objective. This year, I broke down the quarters into the following- building blocks, building support, strengthening support and going for the audacious. These are tied to quarterly milestones that are tied to daily practices that are tied to rituals and routines. To use this framework for my goal of learning more about cryptocurrencies and Blockchain technology, it will look something like this:
It may seem like a lot of things to do but if it is broken down into bite-sized chunks and infused into a daily habit it would be very doable. This is how I learn and do best. The iteration to previous practice is the addition of deliberate conversations instead of just self learning. I discovered recently that I absorb information better by listening so I’d like to do more of this. So the practice of showing up for that which we want to make part of our lives continues. The new year is but a reminder to keep doing as we iterate to suit our evolving selves.
Tomorrow I will embark on yet another experiment of increasing happiness levels. It doesn’t take much to make me happy and lately I realised that I am currently at my happiest. But I am also at my most complex, with more layers comprising my state of wellbeing. So I’m curious how I can pare down a bit on these and perhaps increase my happiness by a little bit more.
I’ve always been a proponent of tiny tweaks, little adjustments or actions that contribute to long term and permanent gain. So I was so excited when I heard about happiness habits that you can do under two minutes for 21 days that have been scientifically proven to nudge happiness levels a notch up. I like it when they called these practices the low bar of happiness because really these small increments add up to an overall sense of contentment.
Gratefulness and meaning lie at the heart of the practice. The first one involves thinking about 3 new things per day that your are grateful for. It is as if you are creating positive building blocks to surround you, creating a resilient and happy moat. The second one is about remembering one meaningful experience per day and journaling every detail you remember about this moment. Doing so allows us to both visualise and etch this in our memory, as of building a happiness reservoir that we can draw from anytime.
This practice of fortifying and filling up both support a third practice of not minding whether the glass is half full or half empty. It no longer is a choice to view things either way but instead we take on a lens that clearly sees that that there is a pitcher of life that we can always refill from. It is a steadfast faith that our world and our selves are wellsprings of meaning and value that constantly fill the cup. So let the practice begin!
This morning I encountered a definition of mindfulness that I truly love. Ellen Langer, known as the mother of mindfulness defines it as seeking, creating and noticing the new in every encounter. It is an attention that deliberately takes a look at the different angles of a reality. It is also an acknowledgement that what we may be perceiving is just one way of doing so since our worldview is dictated by our words and beliefs. I like this definition because it is not tied to a vague notion but a very clear directive of noticing.
When we actively notice we also observe that there is no single way of knowing and doing. This leaves me with comfort that I don’t always have to strive to be right all the time. My way is just one way and that it is absolutely okay if that doesn’t work out the first time I try. It is also a call not to take ourselves too seriously and be tied to the outcome that we want. It is when we feel that we are not being evaluated all the time that we can take bolder risks.
I typically get defensive when I am asked questions I don’t know the answer to. I clench up and try to come up with a plausible reply. It has worked for me in the past but lately I have been faced with a lot I don’t know and can’t control. I find myself expressing my uncertainty more often than I want to. Admittedly it has left me feeling vulnerable. But I try to catch myself when these instances happen and remind my heart that everything is a game and all we have to do is show up and play to the best that we can at that exact moment:)
wandermench 