I saw this photo and it resonated with me except that it spoke about balance. 

A few years ago I thought it was about balance. Work and life, fun and business, finding that sweet space where you can have all these things all at the same time.  I realized that it’s a challenge to find that balance. I’ve learned to accept that I will not be able to do everything I want to do at the same time. There always is a sacrifice. 

That is why I now strive towards bringing my whole self in whatever I’m doing. So at work I realized I am driven because it allows for flexibility so I can function as a better parent, wife, athlete ,etc. In turn I don’t count the hours at work nor do I mind working on weekends. I also have no need to constantly escape from it. It’s good too that there are digital tools for work and colllaboration that allow for this type of lifestyle to operate more optimally. I’ll write more about this approach in the weeks to come 🙂 

It’s December and it’s time for parties and socials. More than the holiday preparations, this is what takes the most out of me. I thrive more in small group conversations where I can get to know people more extensively. I can talk for hours with just one or two people.  I like it when the talk shifts to more than the usual chitchat. Maybe this is also the reason why I don’t have big groups of friends but instead have a few really close relationships. 

I’m mindful though that these social small talk is important for networking and necessary in the job that I do. It is also good to practice social and conversational skills. I know that I will get better at this if I constantly put myself out there. What works for me is when I bring my full self to the table instead of trying hard to act smart and knowledgeable about whatever is the industry topic being discussed. What works too is being genuinely interested in what others are saying instead of constantly fretting whether you are saying the right things. And more than anything, it is simply listening and learning from those around you. If you see these instances as unique opportunities to learn then it is worth exposing your shy little self out there. 

So I’m bracing myself for more of these events but I’m trying to replace the nervousness that I automatically feel with one of excitement. It’s the same sensation actually but just framed differently. I realized that whenever I do this I am more relaxed and less tired after. It’s quite similar to my race jitters. If I am less fixated on finishing at a set time, I get to relax and perform better. So yes, this is another case of the truth that how we do one thing is how we do everything. 

Today is Rainer Maria Rilke’s birthday. I’ve always been drawn to Rilke. I have not read his poems in their entirety but pored over snippets of these. Countless times, I felt like the young poet he was speaking to in his letters. His lessons on silence have resonated with me. I have pondered over how solitude feeds the soul as I sought this in various moments of my life and even in my everyday. His writing on uncertainty comforts me, reassuring me that I’m gonna be okay. That we will all be okay despite these unsure times. 

His poignant lesson on loving the other fully by giving space for growth has been one that I’ve tried to truly live by. He talks about how love in a long term relationship is not about seeking to complete the other but stepping back, reveling in how such a beautiful person who chose to be with you is growing into the individual she ought to be. It is about growing together but separately too because we deserve to be whole and true by ourselves.

Rilke has taught me about gentleness, helping me polish my sharp edges a bit. Since today started a little too roughly than usual, I latched on to this. I didn’t get to do my little rituals that gave me a sense of control but I remembered to just pause and gently work on getting myself back on track. Sometimes a quick pause is all we need to pull ourselves together.

I thank Rilke for these lessons and I hope to teach these same guiding principles to my little ones in the years to come. 

I have very few friends. I seem like the type to have lots but I can count with one hand those that I am truly close to. I’ve always been this way ever since I could remember. I have various circles and each know bits and pieces about me. I hold these friends dearly and enjoy their company. But they won’t be the people I turn to when I am troubled about something. 

I turn to my best friends. I am blessed to have three. One is a friend from college who knows me when I was a poor girl from the province and had nothing except sheer hardwork to get me going. We have come a long way and even if we don’t get to talk often, it’s as if things have not changed and we can talk for hours at length.  My second best friend is the person I married. I can talk to him about anything that’s bugging me and am comforted by the fact that he will accept and understand me no matter what. With him I can be at my most vulnerable and weak. He has seen me at my best and my worst. And so far he still wants to be with me. My third best friend is someone I look up to. He inspires me to be the best version of myself and believes in me more than I sometimes believe in myself. What we have is a mature friendship that never judges.

These people are present in our lives for a reason. They teach us what we need to know when we should. They are the voice of validation that we need so we can follow our intuitions more intently. They have seen us through the different seasons of our lives and continue to accept us throughout the shifting times. And they are brought to our lives to simply be there. Sometimes that is all we need to get by in this crazy world. Thank goodness for the gift of best friends 🙂 

We consume to create. This was last night’s lesson from someone who made twenty five games this year. For him to do this he says he has to consume a lot of content. He has gadgets that allow him to access all sorts of creative output from photos to videos to games to blogs. He immerses himself in these things so he can always feel the pulse of the crowd. Then he lets his work flow from the triggers and trends that he sees across his feed. 

Another thing that struck me is that he puts his art out there not knowing which one will stick and without being too polished. He goes by quantity because you never know which one will really catch the fancy of the ever growing discerning market. He thrives in perpetually testing and iterating, scrapping putting things together to see if it will work. 

Although he has made a hit, he points out that there are lots of factors that you cannot control, that luck and timing play a role in the scheme of things. I find it hard to wrap my head around this since I don’t really like not having a sense of control on how things will turn out. But what I’m learning is that you can hold two very polar realities in your head – that you are in control of the path you take but not entirely in control of how things will turn out.  It is like having an internal compass that guides your general direction but the road you choose may have detours and the journey may be circuitous. And that’s okay. We’re gonna be fine. Happy weekend! 

I am not very good at estimating time. I am overly optimistic that tasks will be accomplished within a short period of time with no buffer for anything unexpected. On a more positive note, it allows me to focus since I only have a limited amount of time. But more often than not I end up frazzled, beating the red light. I sometimes feel that I could’ve done better if only I managed my time well. 

So last night my husband talks to me about how I should be more selfish with my time so I can save it for the more important things. I like trying different things and saying yes to new experiences. But I don’t realize that these things take more time than I actually think they do. I end up spreading myself too thinly, making sacrifices to make time for little stuff. I thought I was doing okay, integrating what is important and what is new or interesting. 

But apparently I have to constantly work on aligning what I do with my inner compass, to listen to the voice that calls within. Now it tells me that it is time to settle and build. I want to always heed it and use it as a filter when I decide what to say yes to. More than a limitation i think it frees me up so I know which one to take in and which one to leave out. It gives me the courage to say no or not yet. I really need to be reminded constantly and I am grateful that people around me care enough to guide and teach me. 

I rarely complain. This applies to both the big and small things. I used to just keep quiet but now I have learned to express disappointment but say so in a way that it does not come out as whining or criticism. I’ve gotten better at packaging my frustration so it is relayed as actionable feedback. On one hand it’s good but sometimes people just have to hear that they are doing a shitty job so they learn and shift courses quickly. 

I recently saw an article about challenging yourself to not complain and instead apply certain practices to replace the complaining voice. One of the things that struck me is replacing “I have to” with “I get to.” For someone who thrives in routine, I always think in terms of “I have to”-I have to write,  I have to workout, I have to get the kids prepped up, I have to accomplish my 3 key things today, etc. I don’t feel heavy or forced doing all these things but framing it this way make it seem like these are chores I just have to do to get over and done with. 

But when replaced with “I get to”, it springs from a sense of joy and gratefulness that we get to do all these things. I get to work, I get to build, I get to create, I get to bathe the kids, I get to read to them, I get to take care of my husband, etc. It changes something in me when I articulate it this way. These everyday, mundane stuff now become a gift that I give to others and to myself. So yeah, a simple shift, a tiny tweak goes a long way. 

I was asked by a friend to write a piece of advice for another friend who is celebrating her 25th today. As I was writing it, I realized I was writing more to myself. I’ll put it right here so I won’t forget these lessons in the years to come. 

My Dear, 

I thought about what I would’ve told my 25 year old self  if I were talk to her now. I would tell her that she is enough, flaws, faults and all. I would’ve assured her that she can bring her full self to the table and that what she has to say is important and of value. I’ll tell her that her quirks are fine and things will be fun and crazy if she lets herself be. I’d encourage her to always strive to be better but to know when she is trying so hard to make something work instead of just letting it go. I would share with her that you really just need a few things in this life and that you should hold those dearly. I’d ask her to be gentle with herself and not berate herself thinking she is not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough. I would urge her to not think too much about trying new experiences but to take leaps of faith mindfully. I’d tell her to keep loving fully again and again and again. Even if it is with the same exact person she chose to love. I would whisper to her that she should take care of herself always so she can take care of others wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

I would share these same things to you my dear and push you to be the best YOU you can ever be, but to remember to always be YOU. 

Love,

Mench 

I was listening to the Big Magic podcast yesterday and one of the topics Liz Gilbert spoke about was how we treat the stuff that we create with so much reverence. We put art on a pedestal. We venerate music. We quote poems. In business we celebrate companies that aim to change the world. 

But before these rose as inspiring creations, they were borne out of play. They went through a process of being bad, broken art to being worth emulating.  It was about trying different things, not knowing which one will stick. It is a wonderful tug of war where you care so much about what you are doing but also don’t give a fuck about what others think as long as you keep creating. It is creation for its own sake. And here lies a certain lack of reverence. You are scrappy, you get down and dirty and you lose yourself. I like how Liz likens this to how sex is boring if a partner respects you so much that he asks permission to touch you. I’d rather be groped 🙂 

Sometimes we really do take ourselves too seriously. When we should just continue leading our messy crazy lives, creating and building along the way. 

The state of flow is defined as a condition when you are so immersed and engaged in what you are doing that you don’t notice the passing of time. Your whole being is fully present and operating at high performance levels. The most successful entrepreneurs and athletes strive to achieve this state because they can deliver so much in a short span of time. 

Flow comes with mindfulness since presence is required. It comes into existence not accidentally but through deliberate actions. These are called triggers. One of the things that channel flow is focus, consciously directing one’s attention not just on the outcome but on the process. 

There are several ways we may achieve focus. One is by having a big goal with big consequences. Audacious goals give us the strong purpose that guides our every decision. It is also brought about by the alignment of our personal values with these big goals. Some people might call this vocation or mission. Focus also emerges from autonomy and isolation. Not being distracted constantly by the little things and zeroing in on the three key tasks for the day that will take us closer to our set goals help focus our attention.  Autonomy, on the other hand, is having a space where we can make these choices independently and mindfully. 

It’s true that whatever we focus on grows so it should be directed then towards where we find meaning and purpose.  Have a mindful Monday!