This is all I can muster now. Things are unclear and my heart is heavy from not being able to express fully. But I continue to trust that I am on the right path and that my struggles are part of the process of figuring things out.
There is no other way I know how to proceed but to keep on showing up in the best way that I can. I will continue to listen wholeheartedly, speak honestly and lead with my heart. This has never gone wrong in the past and I will show up in this way.
Perhaps when I do I will also get to show how I hope others will be in the world. I hope this stance will create the start of a rhythm so we can work better. It is not easy to be orchestrating various things and persons but if we all show up to our truths then maybe things will be so much better. While I’m pondering on that I’ll just show up.
When we are pressured to deliver we tend to lose the fun in the work that we do. Finding the fun is treated as s waste of time. Instead we think we should think and do the serious stuff if we are indeed serious about the work that we do. But really, where is the fun in that?
This is a question that is as important as asking what matters. It does not have to be all business and formality when we talk about what is meaningful. The joy of finding that which should be the focus of our energy is as much tied to the method by which we carry it out. Finding meaning is finding joy. There is so much lightness in that.
Play takes out the stress, It injects creativity and life in our otherwise staid and bland states of work. There is nothing like welcoming a brand new day with a smile and a light heart. Doing so creates a much larger space to do and to be.
One step in front of the other is something I learned from years of running. It is a lot of work but it is what needs to get done to keep progressing. These steps are the components of forward motion. There is no other way.
But to step with bravery and courage is a more timely call in these times when I am co-creating something much larger than I am. It is a scary thought to take on a task that I know not how to fully accomplish. But I show up wholeheartedly everyday since that is the way I know how to be in the work that I do.
Every step taken with fervor and a lot of trust, there is something special in the mere act of choosing to step. It is not mere trudging along. It is a lifting of the spirit with every movement. So let us step ferociously everyday.
It’s not money that is the point of the effort of earning. It is what money gives you- the ability to choose where you want to be and what you want to do with your time and energy. It allows you to do the stuff that matter to you at your own pace. It gives you the freedom to choose who you want to work with and what you work on.
What you need to earn instead and deliberately focus your efforts on are the stuff that will get you to have a calm mind, a fit body and a home full of love. I got this from Naval Ravikant. It is what makes a life full and well lived. It is how I want to spend my days.
I hope to filter my decisions against these. It is a good practice to have an anchor for the choices and actions that shape our lives. Only by doing so do we live the life we ought to live.
Today I am grateful for a conversation I had with one of my best friends. He reminded me that my heart is my strength. Sometimes I feel that I am just working on the fluffy things – brand, narrative, relationships- without having a full grasp of metrics and the hard stuff. I sometimes doubt myself because I think that I should be better equipped as a founder.
I know what I am not good at and I surround myself with people who know better and can best teach and guide me. But perhaps I also should be guided by my own strength and what I uniquely bring to the table. It is good to be reminded that there is value in that.
So I will strengthen this heart that beats for something much larger than myself. Through genuine care for others, through work that is imbued with meaning, through commitment to relationships, through the trust that others are giving their best shot, through an earnest dedication to building a space where one can be their best self. This is how I build my best self.
As and entrepreneur there is always the challenge to scale. But what if you don’t want a business that does but would be content with doing meaningful work that’s personal. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a choice to stay small and intimate with a closely knit audience who you wake up to serve every single day.
But there is also something about scaling fast so that you may have the time to do the things that don’t scale. That has impact as much as it is imbued with depth as you engage with people on a one to one basis. This is a powerful message that I got from one of the blogs I subscribe to daily. Balancing breadth and depth is a challenge but here lies growth at its finest.
A few days ago we got quite a scare when my son suddenly could not breathe. I remember him cuddling close to me, being unusually clingy and then suddenly succumbing to a bout of hyperventilation. We had to rush him to the hospital. Good thing that there was one in the middle of the isolated town where we were vacationing in for the weekend.
As I held a weak child in my arms and observed him being attached to machines to test his vital signs, I was suddenly gripped with the realisation that I could lose my son just right there. This was further exacerbated when I saw that his heart rate was escalating fast then suddenly started plummeting then up again. His overly erratic heart rate played with mine as well. I then uttered a prayer to take my heart instead and spare his.
It is this submission, which I refuse to see as an act of sacrifice because I think it is one borne out of a selfishness to not feel the pain of loss, that will be a reminder of that which I need to choose everyday. I choose his heart over mine. His is a heart so pure and true, with such capacity to be and do more in this world in the lifetime that he has ahead of him. My heart is one marked by the brokenness of some of my decisions as much as it is whole from choosing to be wholehearted everyday.
So I pledge to choose his heart over mine and in so doing choose to do what is right everyday. This is a promise that I would like to keep in the day to day undertakings, in the daily struggles to move towards what is good over what feels good at the moment. It is me making a pact with myself and my son’s heart to first remember what I promised before I do anything that will give me such temporal pleasure. My happiness is ultimately his heart holding mine. I find solace in the thought of a son’s unconditional love embracing me for the years to come. This is what I will choose everyday.
This is all we can do, try. Try to look good, be good, do good. That by itself is good enough. It’s a manner of showing up in the world , making known that here we are presenting ourselves despite all our faults. It’s being vulnerable and okay with the cracks that we used to painstakingly hide from plain sight.
To try is the process of becoming who we ought to be, if there even is such a thing. Lately I’ve been toying with the idea of the different selves that we can be. It’s tied to a recent notion of living in continuum instead of in life stages. Where we choose to play, work, learn in non-cyclical nor linear manner. It seems to be a life that flows. There is no struggle in that. Only trying.
As leaders people look to us for answers. As parents we experience the same thing. But in truth there are a lot of things we know nothing about. So I like this idea of making decisions instead of answers. It connotes a collection of answers from people who know better, taking time to introspect then making the wisest of decisions based on what is available. So it’s okay not to have the answers and to admit that you don’t know. Others might have it and can help you make a decision.
There is pain as we evolve and go through the process of becoming. Even as we go through that though we will never be fully ready for whatever it is that we choose to do or to be. Being perpetual works in progress is perhaps the best we can muster.
I am okay with this. It gives me a sense of comfort in the act of showing up earnestly everyday. Sometimes I don’t feel like it (just like today) and when I feel this way I try to do things that serve as balm to ease my self doubts and uncertainty. Whatever works for this work in progress is how I deal with it.
The act of keeping at it clarifies why we do what we do. The discipline and desire to get better sheds light to the sometimes unclear vision that is there but begs to be constantly discovered and sought out. The act of showing up is in itself an act of asking everyday whether we are right on track. And if we discover we aren’t, we can always shift gears. That’s what being a work in progress allows us to do so.