The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

I love Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann. It gives me so much comfort listening to these reminders and words of reassurance. Yesterday it came to mind once again as I was chatting with an old friend who at the ripe age of 56 is on a quest to find himself in the work that he will do for the remaining years of his life. He is one of the most fun and wise people I know. He is also a steady soul who still searches, just like the rest of us. It is interesting how restlessness and constancy can both reside in us, parts of the whole that we strive to have. Embracing our polarity leaves us at peace despite the questions that rise and ebb in us. 

The questions we ask are mostly tied to the choices we make. What if I do this then what? Why not this? Will I be happier doing this over that? We wrestle with these asks, seemingly varied but it ties back to a fear of missing out if we choose one over the other. We know that each choice has an opportunity cost and we worry that we should’ve, would’ve, could’ve if only we chose otherwise. Unfortunately FOMO keeps us from being present to our choices, present to our current realities. There will always be sliding doors and our lives will change as we slip in and out of these. But our choices and presence are all we have. 

This year I’d like to be present in that which I choose to do, from the mundane to the novel. Being present imbues our day to day with vigor that only we can give it. It lessens our worries and regrets. It gives us back our days, our now. There is so much joy in that. 

I realized over the past two weeks that I feel strongly about people making a decision and choosing a course of action just because they can. On one hand it seems like a celebration of choice since one is empowered to make a call. On the other hand, just because we can doesn’t mean we should. There are times when we have to think through this exercise of power and authority. We have to take stock of our emotions and try to take our fragile selves out of the way, at least for a moment. Then we can make a decision guided by our empathy and compassion for others. 

I was mulling about why I was so affected by this, to the point that I spent a couple of nights just bawling my eyes out in rage. I figured that maybe I’ve had instances in the past when people did things just because they could, not mindful how their quick decisions affected the lives of people. I fucking hate this maybe because I have experienced being a pawn of such behavior. I remember feeling that I was not in control of how my life will go and that it was up to someone to chart how my life will move forward. This left me feeling insecure and unsure. Taking out the sense of control in individuals affects morale and drive. 

Brene Brown talks about rumbling with our emotions and understanding why we do things and why we feel a certain way. There is nothing wrong with rumbling with our anger, frustration and disappointment. There is nothing wrong in allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling and paying attention to the inner workings of our heart as we sort out our messy emotions. I’m all for giving  permission to the self to immerse ourselves as we own our situations. But what will not sit well with me is just letting these get the best of us, allowing our ego to lead us and do things just because we can. 

We reach certain periods in our lives when we choose to let go of things that no longer work for us. This purging is necessary to cleanse ourselves of bad habits and even people who no longer fit this new season of our lives. It sounds selfish especially if you consider time invested but we can’t move forward if we are held back by old selves with old ways of doing things. It’s a decision that we constantly have to make to take us closer everyday to who we want to become.

However, doing so leaves a void in us. The time and head space that used to be occupied by these things we choose to let go of need to be replaced by something else. The choice what to replace it with rests on what we now value and work towards. It might make sense to take on personal projects or experiments that allow us to get to know ourselves better. We could delve into curiosities we’ve always wanted to try. Or we could spend more time with people who will push us to strive towards wholeness. It is better to find replacement than to use one’s willpower to not dwell on what we are trying to stay away from. Our energy is better off focused on building rather than avoidance. 

As I journey with a friend to walk her through letting go, I journey with myself too and my struggles with excesses and past habits. I realized I’m also broken in many aspects and I need to revisit these spaces and fill it up more positively. Sometimes we just need to know that we walk similar paths to make these challenges a little more surmountable. 

I have not done any serious running for almost six months. I have done all sorts of things to stay fit including yoga, strengthening, spinning and Pilates. But my running took a backseat.I intended it to be that way to avoid burn out. I don’t normally take off season but I felt that I needed to do so to make sure I come back for a big race refreshed and excited.

Training starts next week and I feel that my mind and body are ready to get started on a program. I have not seen what my coach has prepared for me but I have set a training rhythm for myself. It includes four run specific days and the rest of the days doing strength training, yoga, swimming and spinning. I like that it includes other activities and not just running to make sure that other muscle groups are worked out as well. It also helps avoid getting too tired from just pounding on the treadmill. 

For this race season I’m also introducing a stricter nutrition plan to see how making significant changes in the way I eat affects performance. I’ve never been on any diet so I am curious how food can allow for huge gains in speed and recovery.  I just hope I can keep at it knowing how much I love eating and drinking. 

So yeah, we are back in season and I’m just raring to get started on the road to Boston and Big Sur! 

Sometimes we just say yes to things even if we are not fully okay with it. We just want to be the nice, easy going person who everyone likes. We may not be the all-around-pleaser who goes out of her way to get people to like her  but we like it when we are generally likeable. It’s easier  for us to work towards being that one reliable individual that people won’t have any bad thing to say about. 

We can continue being such and there is nothing wrong with that. But what is important to note is that we should be fully okay when we agree to do something, when we say yes to someone. That we are okay with the choices that we make and that we are okay with how people are around us. But being okay with things is not a given. We should not assume that people know this about us. We gotta clearly tell people what we are okay with and what we are not. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make sure that you are okay. It is solely yours. 

I have a hard time with this because of three things- I like being perceived as likable, I have a hard time asking for what exactly I need (and  generally asking for help), I like to assume that people get it. The good thing is that lately I’ve been more keen to things that I am not okay with and also more self aware of these tendencies I just mentioned. I’d like to make a list of what I am okay and not okay with, then constantly revisit and update it as a tool for lifelong self-discovery. 

Do you always think that people are doing the best they can? It is not easy to answer this question especially if we have gone through instances when people clearly did a shitty job. It is easier to say no when you have been disappointed time and time again, when people did not give you any reason to trust that they will deliver as they say. I hesitated when I came across this question. I thought of the numerous times I felt that I was not giving the best that I could. I remembered the times too when I just lost interest in someone because he or she was unreliable. 

But I’d like to be guided by the simple reply I saw in the book Rising Strong:

“I don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people  are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”

Having this in mind stengthens our belief in others and ultimately our belief in ourselves too. It is accepting that everyone tries to give it their best shot and that yes we are all capable of doing this. It is a call to be gentle with others since we really do not know what they are going through and that they are trying based on their context and realities. 

It is however not a blind acceptance of what others can only give and offer but also being very clear about what you need from them and out of the situation. It is clarifying your ask and not taking anything less. It may seem that it is being high maintenance and feeling entitled but actually it is just setting your boundaries so you can continue to trust in  people’s drive to do their utmost. So yes, let us tell others what we need and clarify what we really mean as we strive to give our all in what we we set our focus on. 

I have a lot of these stories in my head. I think if people could read minds they wouldn’t be friends with me. I am quick to make judgements, I get emotional, I make up things, I make conclusions with limited or made up data, I get consumed by what I think is true. Reading up on this tendency, I realize that it is a way to self-preserve and quite common for people who always want to have a sense of certainty about how their life should go. 

The go-to-stories typically have themes. It may range from “I don’t have anything of value to offer” to “I really cannot fully rely on him for anything”. These become default stories that we tell ourselves to make sense of our world. We like it when we understand how things are and if we can fit our realities into certain patterns. On the surface, there seems to be nothing harmful about operating this way. However looking closely, if this continues to be a vicious cycle we will get stuck with these stories and accept them as our own truths. 

Stopping to recognize this impulse is a good first step. Being mindful that this is the first story we tell ourselves when we are at risk of being hurt is important. From this initial response, we move to awareness and then we “rumble”. To rumble is to try to make sense of our feelings, thoughts and behavior. It is also trying to learn more about the situation, about the people involved. Ultimately it is striving towards having a deeper understanding of ourselves. Choosing to rumble sets us on the right path to a life of wholeheartedness. 

I’ve always been a proponent of building habits. But today I was reminded that we have to regularly take stock of these routines and revisit why we do what we do. Habits are important because these are the basis for peak performance. The repeated practice sharpens the saw. Showing up everyday imprints how we do things and so this becomes second nature. 

However, there is a risk in being on autopilot. Sometimes there are habits that we have to let go of because it is not working for us anymore. We may already be a different person. Perhaps we have evolved or gotten much better at what we are doing that old habits must be modified as well. Or it might be possible that we are no longer getting any incremental benefit from doing a task day in day out. And maybe it’s time to think of habits that will take us to an exponential level. 

The reminder is timely as I start training seriously for my back to back race in April. The off season was good to just reset and think about the program I will commit to for the next twelve weeks. It’s a time to experiment with new routines to see what will work this time. It lends a fresh perspective to my running so it stays new and exciting, still getting me giddily out of bed every morning. I can’t wait to get started. 

Last night, I gave myself permission to be angry about something that I thought was just a small matter. I cursed after having too much to drink and just ranted about how people can make choices that ultimately won’t give them the happiness and joy which they seek. It’s a good thing I have a life partner who lets me be and who patiently listens whenever I go on these tirades. He chides me this morning and asks if I remember how upset I was last night because I was obviously inebriated. I said I that I did and I guess it was because I was fully engaging with what I was feeling. 

So timely that today’s reading is all about reckoning with our emotions, engaging with it and paying full attention to how we are as we let it take its course.  Normally I would resort to not caring and shrugging it off. Other times I would just numb it or just bury it so I don’t have to deal with it. I grew up not talking much about how I was feeling so setting it aside was more of the default. But allowing myself to just feel the rage was good. I discovered another thing that I feel strongly about. It reinforced a value that I would like to live by. 

As I sit here reflecting on this lazy Sunday morning, I commit to giving myself permission to listen more closely to how I am, being keen to what my body is telling me and being mindfully aware of my overall state of being. I think I’ll try out Brene Brown’s practice of keeping permission post-its in her back pocket as an explicit reminder of what we are allowing ourselves to go through. 

Today’s lesson on Stoicism was about the simple practice of minding our will and choices because ultimately that’s all that we can do. I like how this simplicity lends clarity to a fundamental principle. We are not in control of a lot of things but we live as if we were. Or in my case I try hard to have a sense of control or only go into things that I can more or less manage, always afraid of pushing beyond the fringes. I’ve gotten much better at ceding a bit of this and letting go. It is ironic though that what gives us undue stress are the stories and conditions that we try to keep as close to our hearts as possible. 

The thought that there is very little in this world that we are in full control of is unsettling. Not even our bodies. One part of us may just say f#%* it and just live aimlessly. But the bit of wisdom that we have will say that yes that is true but how we react and view the things that happen to us define how we lead our lives. It is what we make out of our realities that differentiates a life of meaning. 

There is a lot of work to be done to get to this state of being. It’s not easy especially if you care so much about a lot of things and specifically if you care so much about how you are perceived. So I think I need a mantra to be constantly reminded of this. 

You’ve got just one thing to manage: your choices, your will, your mind. So mind it.