My mornings are sacred and I try as best I can to keep them from being random. The sense of control that I feel that I have despite being thrust into uncertainties springs from a set morning ritual. But for the past month I had to contend with varying states and circumstances that start my day. Not fun at all but it has taught me several lessons. 

It has taught me to improvise and make do with what I can manage and afford. This need for routine will be addressed by a club membership that I have been wanting to renew. Except that I can’t afford it. Instead of sulking, I managed to do Ashtanga yoga on my own and maximized my husband’s boxing trainer since he goes to our house anyway. It has also taught me to make sure I can manage to pay for things that I truly want. This goes back to knowing one’s essentials. 

This break from my routine has allowed me the space to assess which ones are working for me and which ones I do simply because I’ve gotten so used to doing them. There is always much value in taking a step back from the everyday. This is an important part of constant self assessment and honing. Overall, this experience has made me discover that I can manage with what I have. Not the most ideal of situations but I can continue to thrive and grow with what I’m given. 

I keep quiet when I’m angry. I rarely get upset but when I do I stay silent. I read up about it recently and this stance was labeled as “avoidant attachment”. It is a way of dealing with conflict by stonewalling. I react this way maybe because of my experience growing up. I grew up around people who were quick to anger and immediately blurted hurtful words without much thought. I said this is not what I wanted but I took it to the extreme by not saying anything for fear that I may regret what I would say.

I have gotten better at managing my temper and generally have a very steady demeanor. Internally, I seem to have managed well too since my outward disposition mirrors my inner state. At least most of the time. I think this steadiness is an integral part of my personality. So the few times that I exhibit otherwise surprises me too. 

This morning I slammed the door and walked out. The moment I did I immediately felt unhinged. I allowed myself to be upset this way and for that I was not sure if I should be disappointed or accepting. Disappointed because I should’ve known better than to act that way because it clearly was no one’s fault. Accepting because I should be okay expressing how I truly felt within. Either way, it was a good opportunity to exercise self awareness and reflection. I apologized for acting irrationally and promised that I would just count to ten the next time this happens. I choose to err on the side of steadfast and calm.  Perhaps this truly is my nature. 

My husband recently consolidated a decade worth of photographs on Google Photos. What started as a simplification and organization project turned into an opportunity to reminisce and reflect. There’s nothing like scrolling and seeing how life was like over the course of ten years. What struck us was how much travel we did from 2011 to 2014. We were out almost every month, escaping to one luxury resort after another or heading to places all over the world. It’s amazing how were in such a state of flux. And these photos didn’t even include my solo trips. Clearly, I was searching for something. Or perhaps I was escaping the current reality. There was always that desire to be elsewhere.

Contrast it to the current state marked by a sense of being where we ought to be and thriving fully here. My twitter bio says that I can’t keep still but lately I am happy to note that I’ve been happy just staying put. Maybe I have finally aligned my lifestyle with my means, after struggling with it since I left the comforts of a corporate job three years ago. Or maybe because I have finally found myself doing work that I truly find meaningful. Perhaps it’s also the practice of choosing to be fully present in the here and now. And maybe I have just started to really grow up 🙂 

I am thankful to find myself grateful for where I’m at everyday. I know that there is more that I can do and can be in this lifetime but getting there is a daily choice of  being present in the life that I have. It remains to be an ongoing decision to say yes to what is thrown my way and I know that all I can do is a constant pruning and honing. And for this I will keep on showing up, there is no other way. 

Every person has his own hero’s journey, the path that one has trodden to get to where he is now. This was the topic that fittingly capped my birthday week when I attended a talk on founders that I didn’t know much about. Interestingly, it happened at the Ateneo where my very own hero’s journey started. 

An Inkling of Something More

Growing up poor, I always knew that there was more to what my current reality was. There was always that nagging feeling that there was more to this. And so when I was given the chance to study as a 100% scholar at the Ateneo, I immediately said yes. 

This notion of something more continued to haunt me even as I was working and flourishing in a stable corporate career. I knew that I wanted to build and create something of my own but was not entirely sure what that was. I just kept my sights open, my eyes pealed. 

Learning and Seeking Mentors

In school I was not great at my major subjects but excelled in Philosophy. I even chose the hardest teachers and learned Philo in Filipino. I must’ve written my best Filipino essays during this time. I was grappling with my questions and the introspection that this subject offered me was a balm that gave me much relief and consolation. 

Before deciding to leave the comforts of my corporate job, I started seeking out people who could teach me the things I wanted to learn. I also invested in learning from conferences and talks. I also discovered reading as a form of mentorship. This practice remains to be a helpful one in my role now as an entrepreneur. 

Taking a Leap of Faith

Being a poor student from the province, I started in a prestigious college feeling insecure and unworthy. I even would pray everyday that I be able to speak English better so I can interact more freely. It was only in my third year that I really immersed and opened myself to varied experiences in school. 

After over three years of mulling over what I really wanted to do I finally decided in 2014 to take the plunge into startups. I realized that all that I was learning was not from where I worked but from the interactions that I initiated outside of it. I wasn’t sure what I really wanted to build but firmly believed that the best way to find out was to jump right into it. 

The Challenge

As I delved more into college life, getting involved in extra curricular activities, the challenge was to make sure that I still met the minimum grade requirements to keep my scholarship. It was not easy especially since my major subjects were not my strengths. I sometimes felt that my hard work was not sufficient and that maybe I was just not  smart enough. 

Leaving a comfortable job that I knew well left me feeling inadequate.  The challenge was how to learn fast now that I was a newbie all over again. For someone who wants to be mostly in control, not knowing is not easy. I had to unlearn bad habits and tendencies, learn new ones and fill up my tool kit with skills that I would need for the next chapter of my life. This continues to be a work in progress, including ceding a sense of certainty. 

Crisis 

On my third year in college I went through a dark phase as I struggled with our poverty. I always did not have enough to get by, always scrounging for loose change around the house just to get to school. The stark difference between me and my wealthy classmates became more apparent. I was also struggling with my grades. And so I reacted with the only way I knew how. I retreated into myself and dealt with it on my own. I truly have an avoidant nature ever since. It was during this time that long walks around campus became a staple for my sanity.

As an entrepreneur, I had to leave a business that wasn’t working out anymore. More accurately, I was compelled to let go of it. It was a good thing since if it were entirely up to me, I would’ve just kept at it through sheer stubbornness even if I knew that it really was not for me any longer. 

Coming Back Home

I capped off my college life with a silent retreat that took me back to my birthplace. The retreat that happened at Mirador Hill in Baguio gave me a lot of my fundamental learnings that up to this time serve as a foundation of my actions. Most important of all was the desire to see Him in all that I do. 

The past three years of start up life was a period of finding my rhythm. It was not a linear path but it was guided by the same compass that has led me to where I currently am, the fervent desire to find meaning and to find myself in the work that I do. I realized that this is but another dimension of the same fire that burned within my twenty year old self. Having this in my heart leaves me with a deep sense that I am where I ought to be and I would like to grow and thrive richly and beautifully right here, right now. 

This has been my mantra for the past two weeks. I haven’t been writing so I could focus on being just right here, right now. It was a practice of actively reminding myself to be present since my mind has not had the quiet that it needs. I think it’s almost that time when a forced period of solitude must be imposed. 

Unlike before when I would just escape and travel when I felt out of sorts, I’m fine staying put and carving out moments of silence to pull myself back together. But lately I’ve allowed myself to be swept by my own and others’ schedule and I haven’t had the chance to do a bit of introspection. That must be why the crowding and the holding has been a lot more palpable.

Being right here, right now is a way of reigning myself back so I can bask in a presence that rejuvenates my being. And it’s not only about instances of quiet reflection but also being fully attentive in all that we do at any given moment. It is being here wholeheartedly and wanting to be here fully. As I start on my birthday week, I pray for this as my way of being, every single day, every single moment. 

Yesterday’s reflection was about increasing the capacity for happiness despite varying realities that mark our days. It mentioned the two kinds of happiness- one is a happiness that springs from a specific cause while the other is happiness for no reason. The former is a more worldly kind, caused by our diverse interactions with the world, primarily through our senses. It may be the type more akin to pleasure. However, by being constantly open to these instances of joy, we get to create for ourselves a state of being happy for no reason, an overall sense of wellbeing. 

Tied to this kind of joy is the acceptance of the inevitable, that our reality is composed of both good and bad. We all know this as truth but we live attached to certain outcomes that is why we end up dejected and disappointed. Our happiness becomes hinged on results that we do not have full control over. The acceptance of this is not a passive surrender to what is but more of a mindful one that is open to possibility. As mentioned in the same reflection, it is a cooperation with the inevitable. 

It ties back to having a present heart, a call to presence and wholeheartedness. When we are attentive we are accepting and open but do so in our individual context, making the experience deeply personal and introspective. This by itself is a source of wellbeing, when you feel that you are where you ought to be at that very moment.  There is so much meaning in a specific instance when the self embraces and welcomes it fully. Such sweet joy to be in this state. 

There are days when I can’t wait to just finish and get my yoga practice out of the way. Today was one of those days. My head seemed to be out of sorts coming from a crazy night, a distracted meditation session then discovering as I get to the studio that it would be a self-led class with a new teacher. I dislike being in a state of doing for the sake of habit, simply breezing through just because I feel that I have to do so. Even this morning’s writing seems forced because I am doing it from a sense of obligation. 

But this is a good reminder to reign our attention back to what we are doing and why we are doing it. Some people call it the practice of homecoming, pulling our attention back to the present. It is during these times when we choose to show up even if we don’t feel like it that we strengthen our willpower. It is part of a holistic everyday practice. 

What jolted me back to presence was a reminder from the new teacher- fear inhibits growth. It is the same reminder from the DJs on the radio on my way to work today. So I wonder what this means in the context of habit. Maybe it’s about the daily choice to experience fully, even those that scare us the most. It is only in the everyday trying that we grow beyond our comfort zones. This conscious decision woven into every habit is what builds us. 

Wasting time- so much negativity attached to these two words. It connotes passivity and mindlessness. It prompts people to shake their heads in disapproval for the time not spent doing things. It should’ve been better spent and maximized with activities. But mindfully whiling away the time is such joy, it’s value becoming apparent as we go back into a world of agenda. 

Last weekend was time wasted watching my kids happily playing with rocks and pebbles by the river for hours on end. If it weren’t for the risk of heatstroke, they would’ve kept on playing despite wrinkled fingers and toes from hours of swimming. They could’ve kept at it. And we thought kids had short attention spans. They are fully present at play, something we adults could learn a lot from. Oh to live life guided only by the ebbs and flows of what we feel like doing. 

Having moments of pause and presence allows us to fuel up on much needed recovery so we can plow through our weeks and months. The days and nights can be long but if we infuse these with time to replenish we can be “on” as much as we need to. Having no plans or a checklist of things to do is a worthwhile endeavor by itself. Wasting time isn’t so bad after all. 

I’ve always enjoyed traveling by myself, having no agenda except to spend time on my own. I haven’t done so recently maybe because I have not really needed it as much as I used to. The good thing about being in a  place where you should be is that you don’t have the constant urge to escape from it. The downside is that you forget that your soul still needs a space for solitude. 

Remembering this, I’ve tried to carve out time for silence in my work week. But lately the desire to jset off on my own for a few days has been growing. Maybe it is due to the many things that I need to sort out. It is an exciting time in the business but it is also a crazy time. Some people thrive in this roller coaster phase but I like organized chaos better. And I need to make sense of all that’s been brewing in my head. 

So I just might pick up my bags on a whim and jet off somewhere for a few days to do all the stuff that I love to do- run, read, write, practice yoga, stay quiet, take long walks, get lost or do nothing at all. Some call it a detox. I see it more as refilling my cup so I can give more in all that I do. It is a fullness that ironically imbues me with a lightness that allows for openness and clarity. And in my current state, these are oh so needed. 

I say yes to almost everything now. Especially to those things that I used to cower from. It’s not a flimsy yes but still remains to be a hell yeah. There’s not much need for filtering out, maybe because I have chosen to surround my everyday with those that I enjoy doing. It is not a hesitant yes if there is a fundamental affirmation at the core. 

I say yes even if I expect a no as a result of the exercise. For me the act of choosing to do, the attempt to try is much more important than the result. It ties back again to the practice of process and intention over obsession with a singular goal.  Saying yes seems to be an act of constant commitment but also a detachment as you trust that your consistent affirmation is what you can ultimately control, never the outcome.

What do I say yes to now? I say yes to spending time with those dearest to me, and I realized that I have very few. I say yes to opportunities to go to the fringes, pushing beyond my limits. I say yes to meaningful work. I say yes just because it is fun. I say yes for the sake of practice. I say yes to listening. I say yes just because. I say yes to both the new and ordinary. I say yes, everyday.