I got to do a bit of Big Magic this year. Liz Gilbert defines this as creative living without fear and creativity driven by curiosity. Reading the book has inspired me to write everyday not for anyone but for myself, writing even if the well of ideas is running low. It has encouraged me to immerse myself in the act of building, at work and at play.

But the real breakthrough for me was collaborating with a talented group of artists to produce an illustrated book. It is a simple book but there is nothing like holding something you created in your hands. It is creation at its truest sense, ideas becoming real and tangible. Now I understand a maker’s desire to always make something with her hands. 

This opened up something for me, that perhaps I may be truly capable of building things. I’ve always felt insecure about lacking experience and domain knowledge in what I am doing now. Especially when I stand in the midst of people who are confident and  seem sure about what they are doing. And there’s a lot of that in the industry I work in. But they are the same people who also tell me to just jump right in since that’s the best way to learn. So yeah, let the Big Magic carry me through this too:) 

I read an article yesterday about the shifting scenes of our lives, how we transition from one part to another. It spoke about how certain people, habits and practices may not fit the new phase we are in. The period in between is the hardest because we have to struggle as we part with these things that don’t work out for us anymore as we find those that will stick with us for the coming season. Straddling both realities is the hardest just like any decision of letting go and holding on.

The year is about to wrap up and I can’t help but think about how I was during this time. I always believe that we are better off every year. And I feel the same about this year despite it being a period of transition. It was a time to learn and unlearn, a time to revisit what is inside my mental tool kit and purge what won’t work for what I’m trying to build now. It was a time to make choices which and who to focus on, where to spend my limited time and energy. 

This year’s scene is about learning to embrace uncertainty and pushing myself further to the edge. It is also about grounding and firming up my anchors. It is about building confidence and fueling my crazy. And towards the end of the year it is realizing that I need to simplify further and pare down some more. It is about growing more into the person I’d like to become. This thought makes me excited for next year. I think it’ll be a year of moving full steam ahead.

I’m fascinated with people who speak their minds freely. These are people who are not exactly tactless but are not afraid to say what it is they are thinking of so that others don’t need to second guess them. I’m not sure though whether the world would be a much better place or whether relationships will last longer if all of us were like this. But undoubtedly it will be a more honest and open world. 

I’ve learned to speak my mind a little bit more this past year. I’ve accepted that I bring something of value to the table. For the longest time I’ve struggled with this. So I mostly kept quiet and just listened. Not entirely a bad thing but it is best to participate and practice speaking out more. I’m getting used to articulating what’s whirring through my head. But of course not entirely. There are some things I’d rather not say openly lest I risk relationships and reputations. 

Yet there is freedom in not caring much about what others think before you say something. It’s good to have people in our lives who do so. We may cringe and shift nervously in our seats when they speak but they are the voice that we suppress within us. They speak for us sometimes and talk about the stuff that we are too shy to ask or deliver. Maybe in time we will be these type of people too. 

The trip home is always bittersweet for me. I can’t help but remember mixed memories growing up. It was never rosy nor was it too rough. I can’t say it was just right because I think I’ve weathered some storms that one could not possibly think of going through. Anyway, I am who I am because of what my home in the mountains taught me. And I’ve learned some of my most important lessons here. I continue to learn more.

This particular trip was more poignant than usual because it was for my only brother’s wedding. The holidays are approaching and the wedding was a great time to catch up with friends and family. What I realized though was that despite the size of our extended family, I only hold dear a handful and have no real emotional attachment towards the rest. I say this without remorse nor guilt. I like it this way, part of the process of paring down to the most important. 

I don’t long for home anymore but I go back so I may see it and myself with fresh eyes. It remains familiar but I get to discover new things every time I visit. Same with the family and friends i have kept close throughout the years. Same with me, everyday evolving but still very much the same. 

Being in the start up/tech industry has exposed me to amazing individuals who think in scale. This kind of mindset, also known as exponential thinking, is the kind of worldview that is needed to harness the possibilities and opportunities available in our fast changing connnected world. The world’s most successful entrepreneurs – Elon Musk, Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos and Larry Page  all exhibit this and are now thinking of solving the world’s biggest problems. They are working towards making the world we live in much better and even finding new worlds for us. They are now thinking of connecting the billions of people who remain to be outside the realm of technology. This is thinking in scale at work. 

It is interesting to understand what is inside the mental tool kit of individuals like them. According to Peter Diamandis, in his book Bold, they rely on the following psychological framework: 

1. Risk taking and risk mitigation
2. Rapid iteration and ceaseless experimentation
3. Passion and purpose
4. Long-term thinking
5. Customer-centric thinking
6. Probabilistic thinking
7. Rationally optimistic thinking 
8. Reliance on first principles, aka fundamental truths

Their way of thinking is their way of being in the world. It is what drives and focuses their every action and decision. It is being able to hold two polar truths in their mind- a set vision and a shifting path. 

 I’d like to learn more about this and would love to share what I learn. I’m grateful that I have people like these in my life who can guide me and teach me, helping me build my own mental tool kit to thrive and flourish better in this exciting world.  

The past few years were about shifting to essentialism, focusing on the things that are most important. I realized this exercise has to be revisited periodically as a practice. Otherwise the essentials that you define for yourself may not be that essential after all. I am learning this the hard way. Although I say that I am one who does not want much, it seems that I have a lot of room for improvement. There is still a lot I could pare down and do away with. I would like to simplify further. 

The past year was about experiencing things. But this comes with a cost- time, money and energy. I don’t have a lot of these and yet I operate as if I do. It really is hard to let go of a lifestyle that you have grown to love and be comfortable with. Especially for someone who has very low EQ and who says yes to a lot of things before thinking. 

I’d like to spend the last few days of the year pondering on what I can further let go of. Instead of adding, I’d like to purge and weed out. This does not pertain to just physical stuff but even people, practices, routines, commitments that do not work for me anymore. I would just like to focus further on the most important. Going back again to an old mantra- not many but much. 

I’ve been writing everyday and I’d like to keep at it. But in the past days I feel that I’m running out of things to write about. I  can’t help but get a little anxious. But before I got ahead of myself I realized that this is because I have not been consuming much content as well. My thoughts stem from learning I glean from these as well as from various experiences and interactions. In addition, I figured the topics need not be insightful all the time. Writing is not for anyone else anyway but myself and I can choose whatever it is I want to put out there. 

This internal dialogue has taught me once again that what I am used to is not always the best way. I am used to pounding at something, being at it until I get it. I am stubborn that way. But sometimes it takes a little gentleness and stepping back to see how best to proceed. And it’s okay to just try different things to just mix it up as well as to see what works. A bit of playfulness does not hurt either. Creating should be fun.

So now I’m excited to think of other things to share. Maybe it’s time to share more freely as well and expand it to topics that I’ve always wanted to write about but too shy to do so. We will see. 

This year, I’ve had less inhibitions than before. I am not as worried with what people would think nor do I fret if I may seem a little wilder than usual. My husband tells me that I seem to have unlocked the rest of my hidden crazy, becoming more comfortable to let the world see how I really am.

I call this living sensually. Hinged on being fully present in whatever it is that you are doing,  it is about trying to engage all the senses and heightening your attention to every detail that is part of every interaction. It is tuning in to the little aspects that make each experience unique, even the mundane and ordinary. 

So how have I lived sensually in the past months? By being mindful about all that I do, by paying attention, by not rushing through things, by listening intently, by slowly settling into my day, by finding the daily rhythm that works for me, by doing more of the things that give me pleasure, by not feeling guilty, by not believing all the norms, by reading voraciously, by trying to do things differently, by behaving inappropriately at times, by speaking my mind more, by asking questions, by spending time alone, by seeking out others, by being guided by what my body feels like doing, by allowing myself to feel even the hard emotions, by not taking things too seriously, by doing things without reason just because I like it, by relishing moments, and so many other wonderful things. I would love to live more sensually in the years to come 🙂 

I struggle with losing control. I am quite mindful of this and I’ve been trying to understand its root cause. I realized that it springs from a deep fear that’s been there since childhood. I am afraid of losing face, “ayokong napapahiya”. I heard this constantly growing up, “wag ganyan, nakakahiya.” Shame is something that I try as much as I can to mask or not go through. I’d rather be the calm, collected, centered person that I have shaped myself to be. I’ve learned to be proud and stubborn instead, not asking much from others and trying as best I can to figure things out based on how I know best. 

But lately this fear has been more glaring, harder to ignore or to simply brush aside. I realized that I’ve been putting a lid on what I can do because of this fear. I say yes only if I know I have a sense of control and certainty. I get defensive when asked to commit to more than this. I see this at work, training and life in general. I am afraid to aim for my moonshots. It’s a bit frustrating since I am surrounded by people who are there to guide and support me in this entrepreneurial journey. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. I hope they won’t get tired doing that. 

I’d like to let go of this, slowly and then entirely. I’ve started by replacing nervousness with excitement whenever I have to do something that involves putting myself out there. I also am trying to be more present as a full person whenever I meet people so I bring much value to the table. I want to try to be more keen to those times when I’d rather aim for something I can most likely deliver instead of aiming boldly. Whenever I feel small and uncertain I said I’d repeat this line- “Hey it’s just play. Just play bigger.” When I don’t take myself too seriously and don’t put too much unnecessary fixation on the result, I perform much better. If I think that the consequences of whatever it is that I am doing is huge, I cower up. It’s best to focus on the process and just show up everyday. So I’d like to treat it as play and nudge myself to just play bigger.

I have yet to practice this but at least I have a mantra to tell myself. These little things help in the practice of getting to a place where we can grow into the best versions of ourselves, fearlessly. 

Last night I had a nice chat with an old friend and we talked about taking a leap of faith. I was in the same spot a few years ago, thinking whether I should or I shouldn’t leave the company that has served as my comfort zone for years. I had a family with two kids who were about to enter big expensive schools. I had a husband who was in a start-up. I had a lifestyle that I have gotten used to. It was a great company where a lot of people grow old in. But I could not see myself in it anymore. I realized that the things I learned I acquired from outside, from people and experiences I actively sought out. It took a while for me to finally do it but I eventually did. 

It has been three years since I made that decision in the middle of Greenbelt 5 with tears streaming down my cheeks in broad daylight. I skipped work, played hooky that day and went to a wine tasting event instead. From then on I said I would focus on finding what it is I wanted to do. Over the course of three years I realized that what I wanted to do is build something. What that something is may be anything. But what I am drawn to now is the process and exercise of building. 

So I tell my friend that we will never be fully ready to take the leap. We just gotta do it and be mindful as well of the sacrifice and compromise that we have to make because of this.