I’m blessed to have kids who are gentle on each other and with others. It’s a good balance for an overly active mom like me who’d rather wrestle and roughhouse. They are easily content, simple with their needs and not wanting much. They are just selfish when it comes to mom’s time and attention. When I’m home, it’s play time or do nothing time. 

Their gentle ways have taught me so much and they continue to teach me everyday. Today was no exception. I like getting my day started with a specific pace and order and it affects me when this is disrupted. Between my two kids, my son got this quirk. It frustrates me when he can’t seem to shift courses when    unexpected things happen. If he has thought about how things should be then it should happen that way. I realized why I get particularly upset about this. It’s because it is something that I am trying to sort out myself. I see my son deal with it by getting emotional and openly hurt, crying his eyes out and sulking then completely moving on and forgetting about it. I hope to just be the same and not build a wall around me, keep quiet and nurse my hurt when these things happen. It’s a work in progress and my husband said I’ve improved a lot. 

So this morning when an unexpected episode happened, I got frazzled and my son sobbed silently while I kept quiet. But this time, I reached out and hugged him and without saying anything hopefully made him feel that we both would be okay, quirks and all. 

Steady, stable, dependable, calm, easygoing-  this is  most likely how people would describe me. This is apparent in work, relationships and even in my training. It is a persona that I have honed and practiced for many years. Perhaps it’s also now a part of who I really am after consciously interacting with the world in this manner, everyday.

But I know I have a temper that I must have inherited from both my parents. I have seen this flare up during rare moments and it has not been pretty. I’d rather really keep it at bay. More profoundly, I realized that there is an inner rage in me that I think came from my dad. Somehow I have tried to tame it and instead call it my inner crazy. Interestingly me and my dad share the same crazy eyes- hazel, cat-like. 

This I see in the impulsive actions I do, when I do things that are “out of character”.  But lately I have not really cared as much as I used to about what others would think. There’s a millennial term for this – DGAF (just look it up). But I do care a lot about what the most important people think and hold dear. So we really should not wrestle against this inner crazy and embrace it wholeheartedly. It’s a good thing then that my years of being the good and responsible person that I also am balances this all.

But this rage, this chip on the shoulder, is fuel to make things happen. It is the drive to excel and find purpose in what we choose to devote our limited time on. It is our strong desire to do more and be more in this world.

*So what tattoo to get next? – Blame this thought on the supermoon 🙂 

I grew up not having much and was raised by a mom who kept the best sheets, best cutlery and all the imported canned goods for special occasions or for that rare visitor. Perhaps that is why I am a seize-the-day kind of girl, the complete opposite of my scarcity-led mother. I drink wine in the morning, eat good food just because it’s a Wednesday, dress up for no other reason except to have a shot of confidence on a gloomy day. I wear my best perfume every single day too. 

On one hand, it’s all positive, living-in-the-moment kind of mindset. But I’m also aware of its flip side- living mindlessly and beyond one’s means. This is something I try to be mindful of when I choose to indulge and it definitely is not an easy thing to do. But pleasure is a choice. And for me it serves a specific purpose. 

Pleasure is a form of self-care. It is something that I do not for anyone else but myself. I seek pleasurable experiences sometimes for a reason or for no reason at all- just enjoying it for its own sake. But the pursuit of pleasure is purposive because it is a time to nurture one’s self so we can be better versions of ourselves in the various roles that we play. It is easy to feel guilty about taking care of oneself, especially if you are a mom. But someone’s gotta take care of the person who takes care of everyone. And it is my responsibility to make sure that I am vibrant and wholehearted when I nurture others, not tired and burnt out. I need to safeguard this space for myself so I give from a place of abundance and enough and not from scarcity and emptiness. 

So fuel up on self-care this weekend so we are race ready for the week ahead. 

I came across this term today – hemmablind. It is a Swedish word that literally translates to “home blindedness”.  It may mean becoming oblivious to the faults and flaws of your everyday, not ignoring them but just living with them. On one end it seems a bit negative if seen from a lense of passivity, accepting things as they are. But on the other end, it may also be about glossing over some things to achieve a sense of bliss and peace as we settle in our homes, wherever that may be. It is choosing to be ignorant since ignorance is truly bliss and there is nowhere we’d rather be blissful than in the comforts of our own homes. 

In the context of these uncertain times, this may be applied in choosing what we will fight for or what we will stand for. We have just a finite amount of time and energy and it is important to discern what we will choose to let slide and what we will go up in arms for. More than ever, we gotta know what our non-negotiables are. And even these are not cast in stone. We have to be open to the possibility that we might change our minds and our stance. That is perfectly alright. We have to be gentle with ourselves and be okay to change our views about things. 

But I think what is critical  is not to be blind to what is most important to the most important people in our lives. Today, that was very apparent when my daughter showed me her school project about home. She said home is where she feels safe, loved and healthy. Oh and it’s fun there too. And really those are the only things that we need to remember as we shape and build our homes and our lives.  Yeah, kids do know best 🙂 

I was just with a friend last night and she apologized for spending the time ranting about different things. I assured her that it’s perfectly fine and that she can just rant away all she wants because she is in a safe space.

I think all of us need that kind of space. It is where we can speak our mind, talk about our frustrations and fantasies, bawl our eyes out or just laugh like a mad woman, without any judgement. It is where we can unapologetically be our real selves. It is where fear of being rejected or scorned is non-existent. It is also a place to just be quiet if you don’t feel like talking. 

A safe space is the pause that we need, the self-care that’s necessary to stay sane amidst the craziness. We choose these spaces with utmost care. We nurture it over time. I can count on one hand the number of people who I have truly allowed to see me at my most vulnerable and I’d like to keep it that way. 

But when you become someone’s safe space, hold that dearly with your heart and respect it. It is not easy for people to show brokenness as they strip themselves of their strong facade. And don’t feel compelled to say all the right things and come up with the most profound responses. Sometimes all they need is to know that you are wholeheartedly present. 

To most people I may seem like a carefree, adventurous soul. But to the ones closest to me, they know that I have difficulty just letting go. I am afraid of losing control and it manifests in many ways. 

For instance, I have been practicing yoga more regularly for almost a year now. Teachers have told me that I have the fundamentals in place and that I am strong. But for the life of me I can’t seem to relax whenever I need to do inversions, especially head stands. They say that the head stand is a heart opener and a manifestation of trust. It is true that our yoga practice reflects how we are and who we are. Perhaps these are deep trust issues, fear of the uncertain and desire for security that have marked me for years. Definitely not easy to overcome. So I was happy that I finally got to do not one but four headstands (albeit assisted) last week. And I realized it is not that hard to do and that the tension crowding my mind was from my overthinking. 

This unlocked something in me. It has opened my mind to the possibility of completely surrendering because you trust in your strength and your center. It is also about trusting your process and the people you share this with. And this extends to work as I take bigger leaps of faith. It’s really true that how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Today I struggled once more and I was not able to surrender in the pose. I’m a little frustrated but I just gotta try again tomorrow. That’s why they call it practice. 

There were two words that I remembered from last night’s dream- Inspired Work. In the dream there was no real context except that it seemed that I had that in mind as the character in my own dream. Maybe my subconscious was mulling over the books and articles on passion and purpose that I have been reading lately. Or perhaps it still was on a hangover from yesterday’s conversation with people exuding enthusiasm about the work and passion projects that they are currently doing.

As I was pondering on this, I realized that the source of this spark is presence. Being fully present in what you do, no matter how mundane, gives it soul and inspiration. And it’s not just about work. It is about inspired parenting, inspired friendships, inspired conversations or any activity where you choose to fully immerse yourself in the moment. 

This is not an easy task with all the worries and distractions. But I think the antidote to this multitasking malady is taking a pause. Pause to be present. When we feel overwhelmed, insecure and unsure maybe we should just pause,  breathe and remind ourselves to just be fully present, one task at a time.

I am a creature of habit. As much as I crave for spontaneity I also thrive in predictability. So everyday, I do the exact same things, in the exact same sequence between 530 am until 900 am. Doing so gives me a sense of control in how my day will flow. I noticed that the days I’m unusually frazzled are the days when my morning routine gets disrupted. The routine allows me to free up my attention to zero in instead on the key tasks that I have to do for the day. It allows me to settle into focused work throughout the day since I’ve done the things I love to do first thing in the morning. So you can say I’ve autopiloted my mornings so I can navigate the rest of the day better.

Having a routine also helps in making sure that you don’t set yourself up for failure, especially if you are trying to tweak aspects of your lifestyle that are the most stubborn to fix. For instance, I’m currently following a nutrition program, finally trying one after almost a decade of athletic training while eating whatever I want. From someone who likes things easy, convenient and fast, this program takes a lot of getting used to. But I realized that if I weave this new program into my routine then maybe I can make it work. So I did the prep work last weekend, calibrated my schedule and briefed our help on what we have to do. It’s my first week so we’ll see how it goes. It’s just good to have a framework I can use to incorporate new things in my day to day. 

Routines may seem boring but it actually gives us the freedom to experiment and explore. If we have set fixed time for the most important things, we can be more opportunistic throughout the day. 

I haven’t written on the blog for a while.  It has just not been part of my current routine. When I was actively writing it was habitual and weaved into my day to day. Interestingly though I’ve had so many insights the past few months that I would’ve loved to write about, I just didn’t make time to do so. This time I’ll try to get back, a little bit at a time.

This desire to write again was triggered by a message from an acquaintance who said that she digged through my writing and that these thoughts have helped her navigate and think about life these past few weeks. These are the words that make writing, even if it was intended for self expression, worthwhile. Sometimes we don’t realize how much impact we have on others and the world, both good and bad. 

So for the next posts I may write about the things that have been running through my mind lately- purpose, passion, focus, commitment, presence, surrender, mindfulness, groundedness, parenting, vocation, curiosity, among others. I’ve also been reading a lot and I’d be happy to include insights from these books that I have picked up. I’ve also gotten into podcasts while in traffic and some of my poignant learning are from those too which I also hope to share. I’ll also try to keep it short so I can squeeze in the writing during my morning commute. 

To get started, today’s lesson learned is about grounding yourself as you rise. My yoga teacher pointed out that when we root ourself, stabilizing our core and being fully aware of our  stance and foundation we set ourself up for greater heights. We also learn to surrender more because of a strong center. But we take it a step at a time, bit by bit, mindfully leading one pose to the other and careful not to just rush to lift up. I’m a work in progress in this regard. But what I do know is that I learn better when I take it a step at a time, one foot after another just like in my running. 

So let’s see how this new routine works out:) Happy Monday and happy vibes to all! 

Let us be the light and presence we seek in the world. 

Today I went out and ran on the trails after seven years of road racing. When I first got into running in 2007 I also hit the trails. I think this cemented my overall love for the sport. Trail running put together two of my favorite things- running and the mountains. I was a mountaineer in college and some of my most cherished memories were  moments spent in the outdoors, scaling and exploring terrains of varying altitude.    I also grew up in the mountains of Baguio. Perhaps this also explains the affinity. The mountains are home to me.

So when I hit the trails again, it felt familiar and I could sense old feelings of excitement bubble up. But it also felt new and uncertain. I was very tentative at the start. I did not trust my footing and felt too cautious and awkward. The first three kilometers inside the forest were very technical and I let people pass, asking them to go ahead since I didn’t want to stall their pace. Surprisingly though, fellow runners were not in a hurry. Everyone seemed to take their own time, having their own pace. Of course there were fast runners but you could sense that they were not rushing and that they just genuinely enjoyed moving at that pace. There was no mad scamper as everyone just quietly plodded on, with only the rhythmic  sound of footsteps on dry leaves. It is more of a solo sport but at the same time people also watched out for each other as they called everyone “ma’am/sir” (this is how mountaineers addressed each other when they meet in the mountains). I love this solitary nature of trail running, appeals to someone like me who needs to be alone to reset. 

Finally I got into a nice pace that I was comfortable with and I just let my thoughts flow. I realized that I could take the distance and the uphill climbs but am very much daunted by the downhill. You can make me run very long distances, go up varying levels of elevation and brave the changing temperature. I’m that kind of a work horse- steady and ready for the hard stuff. But I dread the downhill. I clam up at the thought of letting go of control. A yoga instructor once told me that I seemed to have trust issues. I guess underneath the warm, accepting, dependable person who seems to say yes to every experience lies a scaredy cat who is not comfortable  not being in control. The people closest to me would attest that I am Miss Matatakutin.  Hard to imagine from someone who thrives in adrenalin -pumped activities. Losing my sense of control and just plunging into the unknown scares the shit out of me. I guess this is because it was during those times that I let go when I was most hurt and vulnerable. There is huge discomfort within me and I constantly struggle and tense up. But it was also during these leaps of faith that I felt happiest and most fulfilled. Heeding the call of the uncertain leaves me feeling very much alive. Hence the tattoo I got says exactly that- l’appel du vide which literally means “call of the void”. It is the temptation to take one more step past the edge of the known resulting to an inexplicable feeling of exhilaration. It is the perpetual “what if ” that beckons within. 

With these thoughts racing through my head I finally relaxed into the run. I became genuinely present. As soon as I settled into this steady quiet pace, I eased up and let go. Here in the mountains, no one was judging anyone, no one was rushing to do the next thing, there was no other appointment but to embrace the summon of the trails. So like a giddy kid in a huge playground, I ran and crazily laughed as I raced downhill. I must’ve been smiling like a mad woman because some runners I met past the 16th kilometer quipped “buti pa si ma’am smiling all the way”.

So I pray for courage that I may continue to open myself up this way. As I uttered this silent prayer, I am reminded of something from Rilke:

“We must assume our existence as broadly as we in any way can; everything, even the unheard-of, must be possible in it. That is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us: to have courage for the most strange, the most singular and the most inexplicable that we may encounter.”

Till the next run, see you on the trails:)